I pretend.

-- plotHooked

 [PH]

 began pestering aspirantExegesist

 [AE]

-- 

PH: lamia???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

AE: {My goodness, Arethusa, the last time I saw you abuse punctuation to quite that extent was --}

AE: {-- oh dear. What's wrong?}

PH: I can?t e?ven?

PH: I?

PH: I k?liled him

PH: But I? didn?t mean to!!!!!!!!!?!?!!! I?

PH: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

PH: a?nd the mountain is on fire

PH: fuckfuck and I can?t BREATHE

AE: {Arethusa, I am here. I will help however I can. Please, calm down. You are Arethusa Apelloff, and there is no plot twist so tight you cannot write your way out of it. }

AE: {Are you in immediate danger from the mountain fire?}

PH: ? I live by a waterfall.

AE: {Indeed, but water does not do much to protect you from smoke inhalation, and you said you couldn't breathe, and -- anyway. You said you killed someone?}

PH: Yes.

AE: {And it was an accident. Whom did you kill?}

PH: Him. You know. The guy. Him.

AE: {...}

PH: Ezreki. I killed him. Or it was my fault that he died. I didn?t even let him finish his stu?id monologue.

AE: {Tell me more, Arethusa.}

PH: His stu?id I?m about to die monologue. I ?oked him with a giant cursor to get him to shut u? and get a move on.

PH: I didn?t even

PH: ...

PH: This game is horrible

PH: I HA?TE THIS GA?ME. But I? can?t even qu?it it be?cause i?ts al?ready sta?rted and tha?ts fi?ne

PH: I mean

PH: should I even GET to quit since I

PH: not that

AE: {Arethusa, wait. You are referring to the game which Ezreki found and which he desired us to play all together?}

AE: {Please, tell me exactly what happened and how he came to die.}

PH: I?ll be right back

AE: {No, Arey, please, don't go!}

[TIME PASSES]

PH: I just don?t know what I feel. I wonder if the game also has some kind of airborn virus it launches ?at y?ou or something. I feel heavy. I? don?t know, Lamia. I?ve killed a lot of trolls, two others by accident! ?laying too rough! Really, some trolls are so much more fragile than you?d think from hearing the way they talk.

PH: Yes, that is the game I am referring to. THE MANUAL. 'Lol. Suckers.' ARRR??RRRGHHHH??????.

AE: {Arethusa, listen to me. Please. Tell me what happened.}

PH: Okay.

PH: We started ?laying the game. Which has all of these gadget things you de?loy. No villains. At least, no villains at first.

PH: Only one villain, really.

PH: >:( Unless we are counting me.

AE: {We are not counting you. Go on.}

PH: The game is ca?tivating. Which is to say, charmed... or cursed, exce?t I don?t be?lieve in curses or charms, I... or ?erha?s I do. I don?t know. Mystical? I know you haven?t ?layed MANY games with me, but you know how usually the game is in the com?uter? You're ?laying it?

AE: {Yes.}

PH: This one ... Maybe it ?lays you. I mean, it didn't stay in the com?uter. It was Ezreki's hive. I could do things there.

PH: De?loy these gadgety things, like I said. Contra?tions. And I? tried to make it challenging.

AE: {You mean, remotely? I had understood that you and Ezreki lived close enough to be able to visit each other without too much difficulty.}

PH: >:(

PH: Yes. A little like FLAR?, exce?t instead of constructing a new scenario, the scenario is you. I guess.

PH: Then

PH: I started this countdown

PH: And then his STU?ID LUSUS I?D ON?T LIK?E IT AN?YMOR?E HE W?AS TOTAL?LY RIGHT AB?OU?T IT >:(

PH: And then I didn?t think

PH: But he was like Look outside

PH: And then the monologue, which I sto??ed

PH: And then his hive was hit by a meteor

PH: And he went offline

PH: Because he died

PH: And the mountain shook

AE: {Arethusa Apelloff.}

AE: {I am shocked and slightly appalled.}

PH: Oh god

PH: You think this is a trick

PH: Don?t you???

AE: {No.}

PH: You think I'm joking?????

AE: {No, I don't.}

AE: {I am just going to point out that so skilled a wielder of penkind of yourself ought to know the first rule of Protagonist death.}

AE: {Which is simply this:}

AE: {if you do not see the body, they are not really dead.}

AE: {I am not being facetious, Arethusa.}

PH: I can see the SMOKING CRATER, Lamia.

AE: {I am Reading Between the Lines.}

AE: {Trust me.}

PH: I think you are lying to me. You've never been able to use your mutant ?ower on me. You've said so, and ?erha?s you were lying, in which case, I would normally congratulate you and be somewhat ?roud, but there is also no Ezreki to read between the lines of, and I?m ?retty sure you aren't looking at that ?IECE OF WORTHLESS SH?IT MAN?UAL and oh when and if I ever disco?ver who? or wh?at wr?ote it THAT EMOTICON they wi?ll die sl?ow?ly and ?ainfully as most a??ro?riate to their ?hysiology and argh. I will make a shi? that runs on screams. >:(

AE: {I am not reading you.}

AE: {And I am not reading Ezreki.}

AE: {It does not always work that way.}

AE: {I am reading the situation you have described.} 

AE: {And I swear to you that I have never been more certain of anything -- not even the correctness of the very first comma splice I corrected in your very first fic -- than I am that Ezreki is still alive.} 

AE: {Presently I am searching through remote servers to see if I can find a walkthrough more valuable than the one which Ezreki possessed.}

PH: I can?t, Lamia. I am too sad. I think that?s what I am. Sad. But you are right about one thing! The game must continue. Because it?s already begun. If Ezreki cannot bring you in, whereever "in" is, I will.

PH: Jegus. I can?t believe I mocked the ?eo?le on the walkthroughs for being so terse.

AE: {You mean you have read other walkthroughs?}

-- plotHooked [PH] sends links to some very hastily typed comments on SGRUB, most of which are completely incomprehensible, and end long before the countdown goes off --

AE: {I see.}

PH: ?lease don?t tell anybody else yet, but ?erha?s make certain they?re all ready to be swift. I don?t know what was su??osed to happen, but I assume it involves surviving. >:(

AE: {I promise, I will not.}

AE: {Arethusa, it is very important that you not believe Ezreki to be truly dead.}

AE: {Because if you do, I fear for your reaction when you meet him and see that he is still alive.}

AE: {...I think my eyes are glowing.}

AE: {That has never happened before.}

AE: {How interesting.}

PH: Ha. Why do you fear for my reaction? What do you think I?ll do? Cull the im?udent bastard that decided to wear his sha?e?

PH: ... Lamia, ?lease don?t overexert yourself. Also, eyes of radiance? Are they glowing green?

AE: {That is one possibility. The culling.}

AE: {As for my eyes, it is hard to tell. Greenish-white, I think.}

AE: {I think it is subsiding.}

AE: {Arethusa, who is meant to bring you into the game?}

PH: Don?t worry, Lamia. Cym was wrong about a lot of things. Most things, really. The vast numbers of things she is wrong about is truly im?ressive. But she was right about me. I don?t take things seriously. I just laugh, right? Right. I don?t take anything seriously. I ?retend. That?s what I do. Why the fuck should this be any dif?ferent. I?m not u?set at all. There?s no reason to be u?set. There?s absolutely no reason to regret anything. Jesus, this is exactly the way I?d have ?icked for Ezreki to go. Death by falling star. Ha. Right. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Enough of this, I?m being

PH: Kyarib. He?s standing by. >:) And ... goodbye, Lamia! I should go get started! Who knows what my timer is on now, hmmm?

PH: Later!!!!! >;)

AE: {Arethusa.}

 -- plotHooked

 [PH]

 ceased pestering aspirantExegesist

 [AE]

-- 

Ezreki: Enter?

Ezreki: What are you up to?

You're still engaged in STRIFE with your STUPID LIZARD LUSUS. You are now OUTSIDE.

Meteor: Be alarmingly close.

Ezreki: Notice certain doom.

Ezreki: RETRIEVE DOWEL. FINALLY.

Ezreki: Return to computer.

FA: > I have RETURNED. >;I -->

FA: > took me for QUITE the TRIP this TIME. -->

FA: > and ARETHUSA... -->

FA: > have you looked to the SKY RECENTLY? -->

FA: > if NOT I suggest you DO. -->

FA: > I think I KNOW what the COUNTDOWN is FOR now. -->

PH: ...Ahahaha! Really? 

PH: Stargazing, Ezzy? 

PH: Now???

FA: > I am SERIOUS, ARETHUSA. -->

FA: > look OUT of your WINDOW. -->

PH: How very sla?dash and im?rudent! Reckless, even! I'm shocked that with only -- 

PH: let me see --

PH: two minutes? --

PH: left on the countdown -- you have enough time to suggest squandering it. Bravo!

FA: > LOOK OUT now. -->

PH: NAY, not only shocked -- also made a little bit >;) breathless.

FA: > I am going to place the DOWEL on the FINAL MACHINE. -->

PH: All right, all right! If you insist!

FA: > good LUCK, ARETHUSA. -->

FA: > hopefully this WILL NOT cause you TOO much DIFFICULTY. -->

FA: > but I NEED you to CONCENTRATE. -->

FA: > and DO what this GAME requires of YOU. -->

Arethusa: Look out your window.

You do one better. You go onto your observation balcony where you have three TRULY EPIC SPYGLASSES, each BUILT FROM SCRATCH, because, after all, you know how to MAKE THINGS other than FICTIONAL SHIPS, and you have a VARIETY OF INTERESTS, such as those mentioned in your INTRODUCTION. There are a couple of "shooting stars" streaking across the night sky. You adjust the SPYGLASS in the GENERAL DIRECTION of EZREKI'S HIVE, THEN SWING IT UP.

PH: [spoken] Hm?h. You know what, Ezreki. I ho?e it's a creature that chews off one of your horns. "ho?efully this will not cause you too much difficulty but I need you to concentrate." ?ft.

Hey, look. A comet! Or is that a meteor? You make wishes on them, don't you? Like: STRIKE DOWN MY ENEMIES.

Hey, wait. Wait. The trajectory looks --

Holy shit!

Ezreki: Do something.

You are doing something.  [INSERT SOMETHING HERE. THAT IS NOT AT COMPUTER. MACHINE-SOMETHING? Whatever.] The kernelsprite continues to be a GIGANTIC PAIN IN THE ASS, FLITTING AROUND YOUR HEAD.

FA: > [SPOKEN] ARETHUSA! -->

FA: > DEAL WITH THIS CREATURE! -->

FA: > QUICKLY NOW! -->

Arethusa: Take this game seriously already.

Fine! Fine. You're taking it seriously. You're actually more than a little alarmed. Then again, you're also exhilerated, because you like danger. You'd just rather it wasn't falling for your friends hive. You try to grab the kernelsprite, but not before typing a succinct message to Ezreki.

PH: !!!!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!

Kernelsprite: Dodge.

Arethusa: Menace kernelsprite with some of Ezreki's things.

You keep an eye on the timer. Because -- meteors. They're alarming. When that sucker hits, it's going to suck for your hive, too. You just know it. The kernelsprite dodges again. And again. A lot, actually. It's kind of agile.

Ezreki: Declaim.

FA: > AMAZING. that THIS would be the... -->

FA: > the END. -->

FA: > struck DOWN by the SKY itself. -->

FA: > FITTING, PERHAPS. -->

FA: > DISAPPOINTING? certainly. -->

FA: > ARETHUSA. we have WHAT? less than a MINUTE? -->

FA: > if this DOES NOT work... -->

PH: ?lease, Ezreki. You are not going to be struck DOWN by the SKY ITSELF.

FA: > I APOLOGISE for -->

PH: Argh, you aren't looking at your com?uter.

FA: > HAH -->

FA: > certain THINGS. -->

Arethusa: Be horrified.

You really don't want to hear this. You're completely horrified. What to do? Ah hah!

Ezreki: Be poked by that damnable cursor again.

FA: > certain THINGS I- OW! -->

FA: > I was TRYING to do an EMOTIONAL MONOLOGUE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! -->

PH: Now is not the time for that s?eech, Ezzy!

PH: Or... well, I su??ose it would be....

PH: ...if you were actually going to ?erish now.

FA: > don't ATTACK ME! attack the FLOATY CREATURE! -->

PH: Which you are not! 

FA: > I can't DIE here! -->

FA: > get ON with it! -->

PH: Argh??????!!!!! GET A MOVE ON! 

PH: I wish I could yell at you!!!!!

FA: > I CANNOT do ANYTHING if you don't STATE its NEED for WHATEVER it is AFTER -->

Arethusa: POKE AGAIN FOR GOOD MEASURE.

You are seriously annoyed. Which means there was probably some MALICE AFORETHOUGHT in your choice of Ezreki's Prized Final Trollacy Limited Edition Whatever Pristine Condition Talked About For Perigrees Gamegrub to squish into the spritekernel.

With a vengeance.

FA: > WHAT ARE YOU DOI- -->

FA: > oh. that APPEARS to have DONE something. -->

Ezreki: What did it do?

Hey, a new wise sprite thing. Ezreki talks to it.

Countdown: Where you at?

00:00:05

Ezreki: TOTEM into TOTEM LATHE.

You've got a massive storybook. There will probably NOT be enough time to read it all.

Countdown: Where you at now?

00:00:03

Arethusa: Try to select meteor.

You can't do that!

Well, it was worth a try.

Countdown: Where you at now?

00:00:02

Arethusa: Spy.

Okay! You can't sit still anyway. You leave the computer to spy on Ezreki's hive via SPYGLASS OF BADASSERY.

Countdown: Where you at now?

00:31:15

What? No, seriously.

00:00:01

Ezreki: Turn page.

Meteor: STRIKE.

Arethusa's hive trembles. A hairline crack appears in a wall down in one of the LOWER CATHEDRAL-HIGH ROOMS, where her GIGANTIC CROCODILE LUSUS IS PATROLLING, ON EDGE. It's probably not going to be important or anything, though.

-- facetiousAnimus [FA] has ceased trolling plotHooked [PH] --

Arethusa: What do you spy with your little eye?

What's big and deep and smoking? The big fucking crater where Ezreki's hive was. You didn't see his hive disappear in a flash of light or anything magical. You saw his hive. Then you saw the meteor. Then you saw the crater. The fire. The impact. You saw that.

Arethusa: Check the SGRUB screen. Maybe Ezreki's hive was magically transported to another dimension?

The SGRUB scene is frozen black. Occasionally, it skips and fizzes to show the SKAIANET SIGIL. FacetiousAnimus is offline.

You proceed to feel really, really horrible (?).

Arethusa: You can pay attention to something else for a second.

ARETHUSA: Hey, what's this guy want?

-- seriousPirate [SP]  began pestering plotHooked  [PH]  -- 

SP: ahoy

SP: if ye see a rus7blood

SP: 7elling ye s7uff abou7 me

SP: she is a liyarr

SP: and i7 is no7 7rue

SP: jus7 saying 7ha7 so 7here won7 be any misunders7andings

SP: because of some rus7blood coming up wi7h s7ories

PH: Uh oh!

PH: So ...

SP: 7ha7 yarre obviously no7 7rue

SP: aye

PH: ... I ?roooobably ...

PH: ... shouldn't be having tea with her right now?

PH: Whoo?s. You didn't say "her"!

PH: ?retend I didn't say her, too.

PH: >;)

SP: i didn7 say her

SP: i did mean her

PH: What sort of stories is this hy?othetical rustblood going to be attem?ting to ?urvey?

SP: jus7

SP: she is a liyarr

SP: so ye can assume every7hing she says is a lie

SP: unless ye know i7s 7rue

PH: What if I don't know that it's true?

PH: But she's veeeery

PH: ... convincing?

SP: 7hen ye yarre lucky

SP: because i 7old ye she is a liyarr

SP: so ye know she is lying

PH: Toooorent. Are you im?lying that I'd be taken in by any two Caegar flimflammer? Any jack-jolly mountebank? Any filthblooded conartist ?eddling her dishonorable muck-raking wares? Because you seem to be im?lying that any shark could ?unch my ticket!

PH: Why would a rustblooded trollgirl be s?reading stories about you?

PH: I'm confused!!!

PH: Also, this game? >:) This game is e?ic!!!!

SP: cool

SP: mine has finished dowloading qui7e a while ago

SP: so we can play whenever ye yarre ready

SP: and she is 7elling lies because she knows

SP: i mean doesn7 know

SP: aye

SP: bu7 doesn7 like me

SP: or i don7 even know

PH: Uh ... huh. >':) Well, well, well.

PH: And no!!! Don't begin yet!!!!!!

PH: Uh

PH: This game

PH: You know how ...

PH: ... the directions ...

PH: ... well, the "manual" ...

PH: ... was ?retty lacking in words?

PH: And by ?retty lacking, I mean almost entirely lacking?

SP: i don7 7hink i never go7 7he manual

SP: i mean i didn7 ge7 i7

PH: You didn't miss very much. It literally has only six words! ?lus an im?udent emoticon!

PH: But, uhm.

PH: Okay, Ezreki looks like he doesn't need my hel? ...

PH: . . . at this IMMEDIATE moment . . .

PH: >:)

PH: . . . so let me give you a head's u?!

PH: A??arently this game somehow makes our own hives ?art of the game.

PH: So you'll be able to see my hive!

PH: And ?oke me with a giant cursor thing, although I would ho?e you, being a gentleman ?irate, wouldn't do anything so com?letely and hilariously ?ointless.

SP: he he okay

SP: wha7ever ye say

PH: But the thing about my hive . . . and seeing it, uhm. You don't need to . . .

PH: Look too close, okay?

PH: At the walls?

PH: I mean, I . . uhm, won't have time to clean . . .

PH: If I'd known the game was magic, I'd have, uh, made some ?re?arations, you know?

SP: uh huh

PH: I find your "uh huh" untrustworthy, Kyarib.

PH: Why do you think that is? Is it my intuition????

SP: i don7 know yarre7husa

SP: ye yarre 7alking abou7 magic hive designing games here

SP: is 7here no7hing else 7o 7ha7 game

PH: ... Awww. You do believe me, don't you? Although it would be e?ic if it WAS all a trick!

PH: As for the game, welllllllll...

PH: There are a lot of contra?tions and doodads. It seems to be a very gadget orientated game! You bo? this one and it starts a countdown? But we don't know what it's counting down TO yet. I sus?ect that once the time's u? that'll be it as far as ?re?arations go and all the monsters will flood in or something.

PH: Or maybe the contra?tions come to life and try to eviscerate you!

SP: personally i would like 7o see pira7es

SP: maybe even 7reasure

SP: maybe 7here will be bo7h la7er in 7he game

SP: hopefully

SP: al7hough i7 would s7ill all be vir7ual

SP: 7ha7s wha7 i don7 like wi7h games

SP: no7hing is real

PH: ?erha?s. I really did almost deca?itate Ezzy with his sink, though!

PH: He was ?retty wroth, but it WAS an accident.

PH: >;) If I'd been aiming, he would have been less irritated, but also less tall.

PH: My ?oint is, it seems real enough!

PH: And you're a real ?irate, aren't you?

SP: uh

PH: So with you in the game, at least there will be some ?irates!

SP: of course

SP: aye

PH: Hey, did you slee? again? After the big memo?

PH: If you didn't, you should go do that now! I want my server ?layer well rested!

PH: Also, shit. BRB.

==>

Ezreki: Find room a mess. Be NOT IMPRESSED ONE BIT.

Arethusa: Marvel

...At the game's ability to capture expressions. He totally looks real. Almost like FLARP and a viewport or grubcam instead of an Avatar. When you're done marvelling, you select the CRUXTRUDER from the PHERNALIA REGISTRY. Uh oh! It doesn't quite fit on the roof... But hey, no problem! You'll just make a precarious little platform on the tower's point -- like -- SO -- leaving the Cruxtruder in Ezreki's room while you do so. Naturally, it blocks the door.

PH: The falling a?art, tumbledown, dila?idated, dangerously ?recarious roof? Where even the wingbeasts silly enough to fla? over to YOUR hive fear to ?erch???? U? there????? Is that what your silence is suggesting???????

PH: Well, I su??ose if you want this to be ... challenging...

PH: I can do that. My ?ulse begins to race a LITTLE bit in antici?ation of the difficulties you'll have getting to it!

PH: ?resuming, of course, that's ?art of the ?oint of this game. It seems very silly!

FA: > ARETHUSA. WHAT. have you DONE. to my ROOM?! -->

FA: > WHILE I APPRECIATE the EFFORT to DEPLOY the GAME ITEMS -->

PH: I wonder what ha??ens if you break the machines?

FA: > your PLACEMENT is QUESTIONABLE, NAY, FOOLISH -->

PH: Don't worry! I'm going to still ?ut it on the roof, Ezzy!

Arethusa: Caaaaaaaaaaaaarefully Place Cruxtruder On Precarious Platform!

Yessssss! Perfect. Difficult to reach. CHALLENGING. And rather hilarious. Look at all of the horrible ways Ezreki Avatar could die trying to work it. So, so many.

Ezreki: Check Computer.

FINALLY!

PH: Theeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go! >;)

FA: > oh DEAR. -->

FA: > Arethusa -->

FA: > what is THIS about the ROOF? -->

FA: > did you PUT something up THERE?! -->

PH: Haven't you been reading my comments while you were ?laying????? Scroll u?!

FA: > I was RUNNING AROUND after your CURSOR! -->

FA: > I only JUST got BACK to my ROOM -->

FA: > which, I MIGHT ADD, you've made a MESS of. -->

PH: >:\ ...Ezreki.

FA: > what IS it, ARETHUSA? -->

PH: Are you . . .

PH: . . . im?lying . . .

PH: . . . that the game which we downloaded from some nightforsaken server . . .

PH: . . . a lonely, mysterious torent, from who knows where . . .

PH: . . . is actually magic? And your little Ezreki Avatar is really you????

FA: > I am not IMPLYING. -->

FA: > I am SAYING. -->

FA: > that it is SO. -->

FA: > more to the POINT -->

FA: > it's NOT as if a GAME could DUPLICATE -ME- -->

FA: > I am too SPECIAL. >;D -->

PH: >:O

PH: I don't know! I mean, I thought the Ezreki avatar was a ...

PH: ... liiiiittle bit? ....

PH: ... the tiniest smidge? ...

PH: ... slower than the REAL Ezreki.

PH: You know, down there when he was dodging the filth rece?tacle.

FA: > IT WAS ME -->

PH: Hmm.

FA: > STOP BEING FOOLISH -->

FA: > this APPEARS to be quite a COMPLICATED game. -->

PH: I su??ose I just imagine you faster, Ezreki. I am sorry. 

FA: > we have NO TIME for SHENANIGANS -->

FA: > I took my time because you posed LITTLE REAL THREAT. -->

FA: > my DEAREST ARETHUSA. -->

FA: > >;C -->

PH: Ah, I see! >:) I am heartened again!! I would hate to believe that the Ezreki Luceri I know is just not as good as I thought he was.

PH: ... So, naturally, I will NOT believe it. >;)

FA: > QUITE RIGHT. -->

PH: I ?ut the Totem Lathe downstairs. That's what you were not even remotely nearly squished by. The Alchemiter is hidden with foxish cunning somewhere in your room!

And the Cruxtruder is on your roof. I have no idea what they do. ?erha?s you should just start mashing buttons?

FA: > PERHAPS -->

PH: I ... imagine that you have an endearing, devil-may-care air about you...

PH: ... which would lend itself ?articularly well to being adorable ... And likeable!

PH: Not to mention ?lot-starting.

PH: ?erfect for a ?rotaganist who is not afraid of some BUTTONS! And wheels. And doohickeys.

PH: But I don't know if I trust my imagination now! >;)

Ezreki:

 [do stuff to the ones that aren't on the roof]

FA: > it APPEARS that there is nothing to be DONE with THESE, as of YET. >;/ -->

FA: > I shall HAVE to CLIMB. -->

PH: Good thing you've got all that grace, Ezreki!

FA: > INDEED. -->

Ezreki: Being BEST at climbing, and having had to follow your lusus up here before, climb the walls of your tower like a badass using your chain sickle to dig into the stonework. 

Arethusa: meanwhile,

You decide to scrounge up some GAME FAQS/WALKTHROUGHS for SGRUB. You're having fun, but it's mostly fun you've made yourself. You're still not too sure about the ultimate point of this game, and you'd like a little insight. You're no fakey fake hacker or anything, but being both LACKING IN SHYNESS and very apt to get SUCKED INTO PLOTTY SHENANIGANS has its benefits. You know places to go where gamers gather to complain or gossip. And hey, look! A few panicked messages! 

Geez. Some guys just don't know how to keep their cool...

Ezreki:

[notes features, top is stuck, climb down]

FA: > ARETHUSA -->

FA: > the MACHINE appears to have a SLIGHT ISSUE -->

PH: Hmm. Anything heavy you don't care very much about?

PH: I wonder if I could ?ick up your lusus with this cursor thing!!!!

PH: Or would you rather I didn't?

FA: > you COULD TRY. although I SUSPECT he'd RETALIATE. -->

FA: > NOT that I THINK it would HELP. -->

FA: > he is RATHER SOFT. -->

PH: Aww. I was certain you've mentioned on many occasions that his head is the hardest most intractable surface in all of Alternia. I figured you meant that literally as well as figuratively. Let's see...

FA: > you ALREADY removed my SINK -->

FA: > can you NOT just USE THAT? -->

PH: Sure, I COULD. But then I'd be a slave to re?etition! To a lack of imagination! To -- HAH! I KNOW!

Arethusa: select refrigerator and drag it up to roof.

FA: > oh DEAR. -->

PH: >:) Any final thoughts before I devastate this relcacitrant machine with the ?owerful MIGHT of a munch trunk? ?erha?s a ?ose, struck?

PH: You miiiiiight want to kee? your head inside. Hee Hee!

Arethusa: PUMMEL MACHINE with REFRIGERATOR until it is "loosened up" and BEGGING FOR YOU TO CEASE in the ONLY WAY IT KNOWS HOW

By, uh. Making a sparkly ball pop free?

FA: > oh DEAR oh DEAR. -->

PH: >:D

PH: ?erha?s I should do violence unto it further? ?erha?s more sparkly things will ?o? out?

PH: It's so lovely! Like a little ex?losion of fireflies! >:D

FA: > GOOD LORD. -->

FA: > what ARE you TALKING about? -->

PH: Look outside!

PH: And u?, at the roof and the machine. I think I - heh heh! - loosened it u? sufficiently for you. >;)

FA: > WHAT in ALTERNIA did you just DO -->

PH: I advanced the game. I u??ed the stakes! I made the thing give u? its radiant ?rize, wrenched beauty from the dumb cold pitiless heart of an inanimate object!

PH: I made it my bitch. Well, your bitch! >;) I think you should be able to use it now.

FA: > I shall INVESTIGATE in a PROTAGONISTIC MANNER. >;D -->

Ezreki: Look outside.

Ezreki: Investigate.

Ezreki: spin that wheel, obtain cruxite dowel.

Ezreki: RETURN in a PROTAGANISTIC MANNER and report.

FA: > I NOW have some WEIRD CYLINDER THINGS -->

FA: > it LOOKS as THOUGH they might FIT in the MACHINE downstairs -->

PH: Oh, hey. I just noticed. There's a countdown now.

FA: > a COUNTDOWN? to WHAT? -->

PH: Weeeeeeeeeellllllllll... ?robably to something big, Ezreki. ?erha?s the biggest thing in the game. ?erha?s once your time's u? your hive is flooded with liquid ?oison, the kind of ?oison that lifts you u? so you feel as if you are drowning, but you are not, because what it actually does is see? in through your ?ores and get into your mind and control you.

PH: ?erhaps there will be lava! Or fiery doom and destruction! ?erha?s there will be hatches, and lots of villains will FLOOD into the room, RACING toward you!

PH: Their wea?ons drawn! Their fangs a-snarl!!

PH: Ready to be the game mook that at last defeats Ezreki Luceri, rendering him a total failure at the game!

PH: Either way, you should ?robably get a move on now that we're being timed! >:)

FA: > yes INDEED! >;D -->

FA: > is there ANYTHING ELSE for you to GIVE me? -->

FA: > I PUT that 'CRUXITE DOWEL' in the machine DOWNSTAIRS -->

FA: > but it DIDN'T DO anything. >;C -->

FA: > I THINK I need some sort of CARD. -->

FA: > there's a SLOT at the SIDE. -->

PH: Ezreki! Do you realllllly think I would kee? im?ortant ?lot relevant information from you until the laaaast ?ossible second? For the sake of u??ing the ante?

FA: > YES. YES I DO. -->

Arethusa: Be offended!

Nah. He's right, after all. He knows you well. You select the PRE-PUNCHED CARD from the PHERNALIA REGISTRY and poke Ezreki with it. You don't mean to poke him quite so hard, but it's not as if there's a 'strength adjust' for the cursor. And he can take it.

PH: Hee Hee. Well, as it ha??ens...

PH: ... You wouldn't mean ...

PH: ... A card that looks ...

PH: Oh, about ...

PH: THIS size?

FA: > YES. YES THAT WOULD DO IT. -->

PH: You know, nobody seems to get beyond this ?oint.

PH: The comments I've been able to find all cut off mid-sentence...

PH: ... and it isn't that I don't LIKE dramatic cliffhangers...

PH: ...because I do >;)

FA: > YES INDEED. -->

PH: But you'd think that ?layers would realize they could just DELETE THEIR LAST SENTENCE or maybe not ?ost their unfinished babblings in the first ?lace!

PH: Kind of slo??y.

FA: > well NOW I have the CARVED dowel, I'm just going to -->

FA: > GOD DAMNIT -->

FA: > YOU STUPID -->

FA: > EXCUSE ME A MOMENT -->

PH: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Now HE is as fast as I remember. >:D

STUPID SALAMANDER LUSUS: That Dowel-thing looks so tasty...

Hell yeah it does. That's why you swiped it and are not running around. You WILL eat it! Yes you will! Besides, good training for the kid.

Ezreki: CHASE LUSUS. GET THAT DOWEL BACK.

====>

==>

Arethusa: Continue to torment your friend.

Torment? You aren't tormenting him! You're helping him. What the Hell does this look like? A magic carpet ride? 

...Idea!

You thought the movie with a name too long to type was fucking awesome. If you were going to try to describe this movie to a member of an alien species, you would probably say it is the equivalent of a Bollywood Romantical production of DISNEY'S ALADDIN. And, as already mentioned, it is fucking awesome. You send the cursor ZOOMING (too bad there's no speed adjust, since it probably shouldn't be used this way) around and around the tower in a dizzy spiral.

Eventually, you drag the Ezreki Avatar back inside. 

Ezreki: Be not very amused by the cursor's antics.

FA: > ARETHUSA -->

FA: > I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME -->

FA: > STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY -->

FA: > WE HAVE THINGS TO BE DOING. -->

PH: Neat. No, dare I say ... Exquisite! The little...

PH: ...screen Ezreki ...

PH: ... SOUNDS just like you!

PH: Heh, Heh, Heh.

PH: Buuuuuuuuuuuut ...

PH: ... can it ...

PH: ... REACT ...

PH: ... as quickly as you?????????

Ezreki: Too bad you're not at your computer.

Arethusa: Shake Ezreki.

You shake the cursor around, trying to dislodge him. Use all force necessary. You could, of course, just stop using the cursor, or drag it off your screen, or use it to select your Trollian window, but that would be far too easy, wouldn't it? In case it isn't already amply clear, you prefer to do things the hard way. This is not because you can't see the easy way.

It's just because you like trouble.

Ezreki: Continue to not be impressed by cursor antics.

You slide off the back of the cursor, but retain the chain of your CHAIN SICKLE. Because you are holding on to it and all. You continue not to be impressed by cursor antics.

That just had to be said again.

Arethusa: What do you do now?

Be highly amused by cursor and Ezreki Avatar antics. BEGIN TO SHIP THEM? No, no. Don't be ridiculous. It's a CURSOR. God. You DO have STANDARDS. You decide to check out some of the doodads in the menu at the top of the screen after all. You're a little curious to see if the Ezreki Avatar will glitch out of his own hive.

You kind of hope he won't, though. You haven't tested its reaction times yet!

Ezreki: Chase cursor.

You can't do that. As far as you can tell, the cursor has disappeared entirely.

Cursor: Be used as intended.

The indigo-blooded troll has apparently decided to look more closely at the menu options. Alchemiter, Cruxtruder, Totem Lathe. Scroll further, then Pre-Punched Card and Punch Designix. What are these things? She has no idea. You don't either, being just a cursor. She doesn't actually choose to deploy any of the things, instead scoping out 'Grist Cache.' Blue is Arethusa's favourite color, so she is very pleased to see that she has 20/20 of "Build Grist." Should she build things? Like an obstacle course? Hmm.

Arethusa: Remember your plan!

How could you have forgotten! Oh, right! You were going to 'test' the Ezreki Avatar's 'reflexes.' You decide to start out small. After checking the Ezreki Avatar's position, you select the TRAPROOM SINK. The lowercastes call it a "FILTH RECEPTACLE" or the "MINIATURE ABLUTION TRAP." You just call it sink, and if choosing the shorter way to refer to a thing makes you a snob, well, guess you're a snob. (You really are.) 

FA: > ARETHUSA WHERE DID YOUR SILLY CURSOR GO -->

FA: > WE HAVE TO PLAY THE GAME NOW -->

Arethusa: Throw sink at Ezreki's head.

Ezreki: DO A BARREL ROLL!

IN MID AIR

Acrobatic fucking pirouette motherfucker.

Like the PROTAGANIST would ever let his guard down!

FA: > IS THAT MY SINK?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HOUSE?! -->

PH: Aaaaahahahahahahaha! Well ?layed, Ezreki Luceri, well ?layed...

PH: ...However...

PH: ...I am ?er?lexed by your decision to only s?eak through your avatar. ?er?lexed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PH: AND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PH: Again, totally im?ressed by your commitment to the jest!

PH: >;) Very heroic.

FA: > stop this IMMEDIATELY ARETHUSA. -->

FA: > this is not FUNNY -->

PH: ... and I'm not going to warn you ...

PH: ... when I ...

PH: ... enact my next CUNNING CHALLENGE ...

Ezreki: Get to your computer already!

Arethusa: Build something.

You select the 'revise' option on the menu. However, rather than making a room larger, you create a gigantic wall. The wall is immense. The wall is floor to ceiling. There's a little gap near the top. The wall conveniently blocks Ezreki from most of his hive. Unless he scales the wall. Or goes outside. Or topples it, somehow. 

Cost you some of Build Grist, but whatever. Totally worth it. It's not like that's going to come back and haunt you in the future or anything.

Ezreki: Look at wall. Sigh.

You put your fingers in your mouth and whistle. What the?

STUPID LIZARD LUSUS: Charge into room!

Ignore wall. Create hole in wall. Exit room. Hah! There is a reason this building has thick walls.

PH: Ooo! The game even has your LUSUS!

PH: ...Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

FA: > are you DONE? -->

FA: > can we HALT this FOOLISHNESS and BEGIN?! -->

FA: > I am COMING CLOSE to the END of my GRACE, ARETHUSA -->

FA: > I shall become ANNOYED. >;( -->

PH: GAS?!!!!!

PH: An ...

PH: ... END??????

PH: TO

PH: YOUR

PH: GRACE? Heavens!

PH: Im?ossible!!!!!!!!!!

PH: Im?lausible.

PH: Com?letely unlooked for, unwanted, disbelieved, Ezzy. I would bet my left horn ...

PH: ... that yoooou ...

PH: ... could take oh so much more. >:) 

PH: Heh Heh Heh.

Arethusa: Deploy the whatever it's called already.

You DEPLOY THE TOTEM LATHE. By hovering it over Ezreki Avatar's head ominously...

...then DROPPING IT. He'll move in time!

Ezreki: Avoid Imminent Death. QUICKLY.

Ezreki: Inspect Totem Lathe.

[details would be posted I guess]

PH: Why don't you mess around with that?

PH: While I ...

PH: ...just...

PH: ... rearrange your entire room!

Arethusa: Examine Ezreki's Room.

You proceed to mess around Ezreki's room. You select games. You rearrange them. You try to move one of his bookcases, but OH NO WHOOPS YOU LOST CONTROL. THE BOOKSHELF TOPPLES. DOES THE RECUPERACOON GET IT? BOOKS AND GAMEGRUBS IN SOPOR? Nope. The recuperacoon is safe for now! The bookcase, alas, is not. You're fairly certainly you see some squished what-were-once-beloved-games. Maybe there's a secret door behind the bookcase? You've always thought there just HAD to be secret doors SOMEWHERE.

Maybe you can make one with the game? YES. Another PERFECT IDEA!

Arethusa: Deploy Alchemiter.

You deploy the ALCHEMITER. Like it says. Then you move a bookcase so that it is cunningly hidden, like a secret.

This ... does not work very well.

PH: Do you know what I'm about to do, Ezreki?

PH: I...

PH: ... am about ...

PH: ... to de?loy the laaaaast of the gadgets.

PH: I'll let you give me some in?ut if you s?eak u? soon!

PH: ... What's that? The roof? >:)

FA: > WHAT IS GOING ON NOW?! -->

Ezreki: Follow source of noise back to room.